A little guidance

How to Survive Watching ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two’

Before I begin on the advice giving, I must warn you that I have just returned home from watching the film for-mentioned in the title of this piece. Furthermore, I would like to let you know that it was one of the most beautiful, moving, emotional films I have ever seen. I shall also add that it tops ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ on being my favourite film. (That is some achievement).

Anyway, if you haven’t already watched the new ‘HP’, 1) Why not? And 2) Take some of this advice into account when you do (and you will) watch it – If you have already seen it, you can read this and think “Oh, why didn’t I do that while I had the chance?!”

Advice beings here: Don’t sob too loudly

Crying, sobbing or getting teary is fine and encouraged throughout the watching of this film. However, there are a few moments when the film gets very quiet VERY suddenly and if you find yourself doing a big self-pitying sniff while one of these occurs, you may get embarrassed… Trust me, I did it.

Advice continues: Contain yourself

You may feel the urge at some moments to cheer or even clap during this film. I would say don’t, just for safety. You never know the nature of your fellow audience members and if none of them join in you may have either annoyed them slightly or earned yourself some behind-the-back jeers as they mock your weirdness. I would say wait for someone else to start the cheer/clapping before you do.

Advice carries on: Love hurts

So, if you’re anything like me, you may have some creepy cast crushes (or CCCs as they will now officially be known). Please, I beg you, when Alan Rickman, who is obviously your biggest CCC graces the cinema screen with his beautiful face, do NOT let the words “eeeeeh, Alan!” leave your mouth in a squeaky tone… I cannot begin to comprehend the consequences. But don’t worry; we both know everyone’s thinking it.

Also, when the amazingly handsome Tom Felton, another huge CCC, walks over to the dark side, although screaming “No Felton, NOOOO!” would seem the appropriate thing to do, perhaps try to keep it in this time.

This advice will be very hard to keep to and I myself didn’t manage it, which is why I am writing this, as to aid you all. Doing some of the things I have listed not to may end in humiliation, awkwardness or in my case- when the credits came up and I was crying quite a lot- Getting laughed at by your parents.

Good luck. 

How to Survive Prom

The prom; if I were to represent the views of proms in a ratio it would probably go like this- 2:1:1 (people who look forward to it, consequently spending just under their parents’ expected budget for their child’s wedding on one prom shoe: those who couldn’t care less but go to mock the masses: the rest who don’t bother going but will almost indefinitely ‘like’ every photo from the evening on Facebook the next day).

Never the less, if you fall into either of the first two categories (I would say most likely the second, you won’t have time to do much if you’re in the first except check your hair every few seconds) you will need ways of getting through the evening. Here are a few suggestions:

1.    Walk behind a girl with a floor-length dress. Say “Oh, sorry!” as you pass them as if you have stepped on the bottom of their dress (you haven’t). They’ll then spend the rest of the evening in a paranoid state, looking for the footprint.
2.  Play ‘spot the dress-match’. It’s just funny to see people wearing the same thing. It embarrasses them, what can I say? (I guess you could also play ‘spot the suit-match’ but, um, they’re all quite similar anyway…)
3. Watch the guys fail at winning bets on which girls they can successfully chat up through the course of the night.

Anyway, my prom is in a very short while so, bye!

Enjoy yours, won’t you?

Post script: I’ve now had my prom, it was very fun…

Some Thoughts on High School

High school: Avoid if at all possible.

The moment you walk through the entrance doors of high school (if you’re allowed through the actual entrance that is: those doors are often only to be used by teachers or in some cases they are saved exclusively for the queen. This isn’t important; I just mean when you first enter high school. Any doors will do) all you will be able to think is “Whose idea was THIS?!” and quite rightly too. I honestly cannot comprehend how anyone thought that high school was a good idea: Let’s confine a large number of adolescents in some grotty building for five years boring them silly with mindless drivel! Yes, that’s a super thought!

Maybe they didn’t think it was a good idea at all, it could be the opposite. This person could have been bitter and wanted revenge on teens for some heinous crime one of them performed on him once; it was because of this that the idea of high school came about, as a form of torture. This seems likely to me; how better to spite youths than taking away their freedom?

To be honest, all this freedom-taking hasn’t done anyone any good; all anyone of high school age wants to do is burn down the buildings in which they are confined and cack the teachers who cause their grief. I have no doubt that if high school were never invented everyone would be a lot cleverer and much nicer. I would back up my theory with evidence but I am afraid the poor ‘education’ I have been made to sit through for the last five years has failed to teach me to do so, so just take my word for it.

Here are a few things I would rather have spent the most recent third of my life doing:

-Sleeping

-Eating

-Being cynical in the comfort of my own home

-Not getting any qualifications

-Not creating bad relationships with teachers

-Not getting wee’d on by that monkey in front of the whole class

-Watching ‘friends’ from top to tail

-Having a star wars marathon (prologue after four, five and six)

Now, doesn’t that sound like a much more worthy use of time?

Yes.

So, if you’re eleven, hide until your mother thinks your existence was just a prolonged night terror in her mind. Then you’re free to do whatever you want to until you’re eighteen. Then, and only then, can you begin to struggle to get into uni with the rest of us.

A Little Bit About Children and Reading

It has become pretty clear recently that children these days just don’t read anymore; to be fair to them, why should they? Think of all the things today’s younger generation can do: they have computers to communicate with friends, play games, write essays and read the news on (Note sarcasm in the final two examples); they have sports to play to keep themselves healthy; they have instruments to learn to become rocks stars; most importantly, they have food to eat.

Children have so much to do that there isn’t time for them to even consider reading (and let’s face it, if they’re going to fulfil the government’s prediction of 100% of children being obese by the year 2025 they’d better get busy).

To get children reading again, there seems to be one key thing to do: make it a bit more appealing. You can’t expect kids to like the idea of reading countless amounts of words (and to be honest, they’d probably find counting them more interesting) and enjoying the experience; it’s unrealistic.

Perhaps giving the children an incentive to read will add to its appeal. Maybe telling them they’ll get a nice, big slab of chocolate for each chapter they read will get them going. Alternatively, if bribery isn’t ‘your bag’, chain them to their chair until they can list you all of the key themes Golding uses in ‘Lord of the Flies’. Actually, torture would probably be the more effective method- try that first.

In conclusion, there is no easy way to eliminate the ignorance and laziness of children these days. Any method I have suggested to get them reading may turn out to be illegal, but at least it’ll work (maybe). Good luck!

A Guide to the Unfortunate Members of Our Numerical System

In this cruel and discriminatory world, we constantly rush to label things; we put characteristics and qualities on something which we simply assume onto it by its connotations. Mostly, we never bother to see what it truly is.

Numbers and mathematical terms are a poor, poor victim of this and I will tell you of some examples so as to open your mind to this issue and appeal to you to change your ways!

‘Negative’ numbers: I find it highly unfair that these numbers have emotions thrust upon them. I know for a fact that many of these unfortunately-named creatures have a very positive attitude towards life and it does in fact just dishearten them to have people jump to conclusions about their feelings.

‘Rational’ numbers: It may sound complimentary, but calling some numbers rational is sometimes just very unrealistic. If 1.5 were to say to you “I am a pelican” you would question this number and consequently prove it a rather irrational number indeed! Presuming a number to be logical and wise is a big mistake and you should try and avoid doing so before it catches you off-guard by proving otherwise.

Prime numbers: These lonely and segregated numbers don’t get much in the world; all they ever wanted was to have friends but their lack of factors has proven this impossible. Using their name as an off-the-cuff remark is just plain heartless and cruel. Respect these unfortunate numbers’ fragility. It’s not their fault no one wants to divide into them.

‘Odd’ numbers: Now that’s just mean. Generalisation hurts, kids, don’t do it!

I don’t mean to be picky, or to make you feel guilty in any way. Just think of how your pitiless naming makes the fundamental parts of our beloved numerical system feel; think about what you say next time. Perhaps saying “Let’s not add this” instead of “Let’s subtract this” in the future will make everyone feel altogether a lot more optimistic about life. Just think about it.

What to do When You Find Yourself Caught in a Moment of Eye Contact

Eye contact, it’s bad enough at the best of times. I mean, why would you want to look at some squidgy spherical objects in someone’s face when you could be admiring the nice view? (This point still stands if you’re in a McDonald’s, which generally isn’t seen as having a nice view; eyes are disgusting to look at).

I refuse to believe that such things can be romantic. Honestly, as soon as you enter into eye contact, you’re stuck there with no way out, until something in the distance can conveniently take your gaze away. It’s just awkward. Neither of you will have anything to say (except maybe how ‘nice’ each other’s eyes are, but seriously, we all know that’s a massive lie. As I said: Eyes = disgusting.)

Even if the eye contact you become part if isn’t due to romance, it’s still not acceptable. In fact, it’s worse: You don’t even have deep feelings like love to share with the person into whose eyes you are staring. At most you will have a few common interests to share and that, in this case, counts for nil.

So we have established that just for the awkwardness factor, eye contact should not be conducted voluntarily. However, accidents always happen, so here are a few ways to get out of it if it may ever occur:

Break the line

Once in eye contact, there is a metaphorical line binding your eyes and those of the person you are looking at. To stop eye contact, attempt to break this line. Looking away quickly is too risky and may end in causing an awkward silence (and we all know you must flee if one of these ever occurs). So, maybe try turning away slowly. Turn your head while still holding eye contact until the point where you are looking so far to one side that the line must be broken and you can look away. Here is an illustrated example:

Similarly, the line could be broken by an object appearing between your eyes and the other person’s. This object could be anything from your hand (although this one’s a bit dangerous as suddenly lifting your hand in front of your face does look a bit odd) to a biplane (again quite dodgy, you aren’t likely to be far enough apart from the other person for fatal injuries not to be gained). This method isn’t extremely successful in breaking the line.

Distraction

You can make the process of breaking eye contact even easier by making the other person the one to do it. Saying “Oh my, what’s that lizard doing on the slide behind you?!” or “That tree is placed rather precariously over there…” will cause the other person to look behind them, thus breaking eye contact: Simple.

Side note: Do be careful what excuse you use to get them to turn around; some just aren’t very believable…

Doing any of these things is guaranteed to stop you being involved in eye contact, which is a relief! I hope you never find yourself in such an awful situation, but if you do, you’re sorted!

How to Avoid a Vampire (By request)

As I say, this topic has been requested to me (and I can see why: This is a horrific problem, that the citizens of our beloved Earth face daily) so I shall do my best to address the issue as thoroughly as possible.

Before you can be completely sure how exactly to avoid a vampire, you must know what type of vampire it is. I shall list each type of vampire and then give you some brief guidance into how to avoid them.

Mythical vampires: The definition of ‘mythical vampire’ (the word ‘mythical’ obviously just refers to breed and doesn’t in any way suggest fictional or un-real qualities to this vampire) states that they are animated corpses that survive on the blood of the living. They are also servants of Satan. The trick to avoiding these is easy: Pretend to be the devil. Wear some red horns, possibly a long, spiky tail as well and when the vampire approaches you, looking blood-thirsty, order it to go and buy you a sandwich… or something.

Psychic vampires: Obviously, pretending to be Satan won’t work on all vampires, so you’re going to have to have a few more tricks just in case. Psychic vampires are psychic, which makes most forms of trickery impossible. They work by draining your life-energy to feed themselves, which would obviously have the consequence of making you dead (due to lack of life-energy). Anyway, the one way these vampires can’t take your life-energy if is you have none. If you see a psychic vampire approaching you, begin to completely lack enthusiasm for anything; they will soon realise you have no decent energy to take and will target someone else.

Vampyres: Now, this one is easy. Vampyres (note the ‘y’) are evidently just normal vampires that can’t spell. If one comes up to you, shout “oblivious! Spell it!” at them. Their dim-witted nature will soon catch them out no doubt and you’ll be able to make your escape while they stand looking bewildered and confused.

And finally, vampires that sparkle: They’re stupid. Just tell ‘em to sod off.

This covers most varieties of vampire. If I’ve missed any… um… See you on the other side?